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To Group or Not to Group?

1/21/2020

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That’s a big question for those of us in recovery from spiritual or cultic abuse.  A friend from out of state, who is a therapist told a client, who is a cult survivor, about a support group he might be interested in. He laughed at her. “Join a group? Heck no. Never again. I’m done with groups!” 

A group, a congregation, an organization, a collective, a community - whatever the setting - if violations take place where people who align with the same ideals gather,  you’ve got a complicated mess on your hands. The group surrounding a leader or ideology can exacerbate the trauma caused by abuse of power. In such situations, many of us were publicly shamed for things we did while striving to align with the goals of the group. This is excruciating and humiliating.  If you manage to extricate yourself from that network, Bravo! But even with good therapy and support from friends and family, we can continue to suffer quietly, making it far safer to steer clear of groups altogether. Aversion to groups can actually be a hard-earned survival mechanism. 

Group violation is especially challenging because we are such social beings - as Dr. Dan Siegel, a neuropsychologist, says,  'We are hardwired for connection'. But when that natural instinct has been turned against us and violation occurs in a group setting, be it verbal, emotional, sexual or spiritual, the added layer of pride and shame compounds the experience. By pride, I’m referring to the group think: “we are special” , “we know something others don’t know”  or “we are the chosen ones.” And shame, well, that is a primary means by which a nefarious leader controls his minions - by bringing attention to our failings and keeping us striving. All this, makes it totally understandable that many cult survivors don't want to be in groups.

However... Since we are indeed social critters, I believe that speaking in a group and/or sharing one's story with others in a safe container can be powerful and integrative. I experienced this in my own healing process when I joined Toastmasters, a group that supports members to develop their public speaking abilities. I will never forget my first introductory speech. I visibly shook like a leaf, standing in front of maybe a dozen very kind and supportive people while I stammered out a few sentences, then ran back to my seat and tried very, very hard not to burst into tears. But the next time it was slightly less terrifying. And now, I sometimes can feel amazingly calm and clear when I am talking in a group setting. I think Dan Siegel would attribute this progress to what he calls ‘creating a coherent narrative’ - that my neurological system has settled through the experience of telling, and repeating my story. And, I believe it is more than that. An emotionally safe group setting allowed me to heal and re-establish the positive aspects of tribal instinct. 

There is no question - having a one-on-one therapist who is well versed in spiritual abuse, has been essential to my own healing process. And for me, forays into groups have been equally important. Being seen and accepted as part of a group, and noticing and identifying when something is “off” has unequivocally restored some of my trust in humanity in a way that was not possible through individual relationships. And, as the late, writer and playwright Anton Chekhov, once said, “You must trust and believe in people, or life becomes impossible."  Sometimes, joining a group can rebuild trust in others, making what was once impossible, possible again. ​

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What's the hurry?

1/2/2020

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When I’m in a hurry, my mind is usually trapped in obsessive thoughts about where I'm headed or should already be and all the things I shoulda, coulda done differently so I wouldn’t be in a crunch in the first place. Recently, I had a flash of insight about this when I was doing a body scan to reboot from one such experience. As I traveled, in my mind’s eye, from the top of my head to my feet, I noted all my body sensations: tight 

​shoulders, restricted breath, hardened feeling in my chest/heart and a general sensation of wanting to break nefarious bonds that were holding me. Holy cow! These are exactly the same feelings I had when I was first working through cult related trauma. But this time, no one was doing anything to me. It was just me, myself and I.  I wasn’t protecting myself from someone who might hurt me and I wasn’t expressing valid anger towards someone who had manipulated me. I was mad at myself. 
 
Of course, this is a completely different level of anger but that fact remains, I was angry. No matter how you slice it, anger is anger. And, at least in my experience, anger tends to create those unpleasant body sensations, not to mention how it can impact those around me. This realization has prompted a new inquiry as I enter 2020. Does anger fuel haste? I’ve launched an unscientific research project on myself - to pay close attention when I’m feeling pressured by time. I’m curious what will happen if I breathe deeply, relax my shoulders, place my hands on my heart and imagine the shackles of time melting away. Can anger still exist? I mean, really, what’s the hurry anyway?!? 
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    Gerette Buglion

    Writer
    Reiki Teacher
    Cult Awareness Educator 

    My blog is a place where I write what is rising to the top, like cream, and wants to be shared.  Through writing, I am reclaiming a part of me that was left behind during a 18-year odyssey with a smart but destructive teacher and the high control group that developed around him. By sharing honestly, I hope to increase awareness of the prevalence of cultic dynamics both here in idyllic  VT and worldwide. For the record, I am choosing to not name the group or the group leader. I refer to the group as “CTL” and the leader as “Doug”. Additionally, I change the names of family members, friends and acquaintances near and far to honor their privacy.
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